Am I committed or just in fear of abandonment? Pt.1

As a Christian this is one of those questions that can easily be glazed over and answered with an immediate yes. I Gave my life up to Jesus. I have given up hard things. I have changed. I serve his people. I love him and he forgives me when I fall short of being like him, of course I am committed. But this isn't a question of if you have accepted him as Lord and Savior whether it be 2 days ago, 6 months ago, or 40 years ago. it's a question of, are you truly surrendered to him still; now?

I believe we don't truly check our motives enough nor question our own thoughts. We aren't truthful with ourselves because we don't know how to sit still long enough for the Lord to reveal something He has seen in us that is harming us or hardening our hearts. My heart had been hardened. I grew to want the Lord's richness, His love, His character but not His ways. Not His sacrifice. Not His cross. But truthfully surrender is the open invitation of all the things I just listed and more. It didn't start out this way, but somewhere along the line I found myself wanting the digestible parts of God and not Him fully. Somewhere after exile and separation, somewhere after unexplainable traumas and deep regrets. A place after revival and consistent death, I waved the white flag. I wasn't leaving the Lord, but I stopped wanting to be with him. I treated him worldly, entertained Him enough knowing he wouldn't leave but simultaneously ghosted him. I came into his house but never took my shoes off because I hadn't planned to stay long. I hung around the godly because it became easier to see his face in other people then to go seek it on my own. For months he consistently woke me up in the early hours of the morning to speak with him, but I would go back to bed. On the occasions I would wake up and pray, I would weep. My cries would last so long that eventually I ran out of tears, but my soul and body still cried out. I wasn't ready to change my ways, I didn't want to deal with what had become of me. So, when I would hear him say "come home" I would busy myself. Things I once did with the Lord I would do alone. Walks and conversations I would have with Him became solo walks and foolish speech. Pride had taken over my heart. Surrender felt like labor, and I was tired of working. Belief seemed like an odd request when my life consistently felt like demolition. I Struggled to believe God was truly good. I logically knew it, but I didn't truly believe that with longevity. I didn't believe with reverence. If I saw results I believed it, if I didn't, I questioned it. In truth I didn't believe He was good at all. Proximity with God exposes a lot. On my own I really thought I believed he was good but when I was back at his feet it was a cry that broke me free. It was a truth I hadn't known I had adopted belief in. It was freeing to admit because I knew He already knew. Admitting that to God also gave me the comfort to tell Him that because I didn't believe in His goodness, I also didn't believe he would really stay forever. I didn't believe that he wouldn't eventually abandon me. Emotions and thoughts that harden into callouses on our hearts are truly complex and are juxtapositions to the word of God. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." His words, but yet my doubt felt more real than this.

The beauty of God; is Him. It's that in every situation and moment of life he never changes. He is all the good that I am not, He is good, and I am not. I know this now, but Goodness comes from him, gentleness comes from him, kindness comes from him, a pure heart comes from him, love comes from him, trust comes from him, generosity, meekness, humility, empathy, integrity comes from Him. My nature is to be unlike Him, my surrender keeps me in right standing with God, through it He develops me, my surrender to him is an act of obedience, and in its simplest form it is an act of profound love and worship. we cannot serve ourselves and God, but rather we die to ourselves to serve God so that through Him we may live. My pleasures mirror His. What I delight in is what He delights in. To serve myself means I believe myself more holy and worthy than the God who created me. pride is ugly that way. The Israelites show us this best, their need to create an idol out of their impatience and worry teaches us much about our own impatience. We see their pride at work when they create a golden calf, and we also see their distrust of God's goodness towards them as if He didn't just deliver them from Egypt in such a grand and profound way. They didn't leave God but as they waited on Moses, they stopped being surrendered to Him.

We don't have to continue to live this way. Grace is a form of love that is not transactional. I've been learning to be so deeply thankful for God's grace and for His mercies that are new every morning and in the same space I have welcomed the hard question. Where in my life, have I used grace as an excuse for my disobedient behavior? Friend, where in your life have you used grace as an excuse for your disobedient behavior? That's a personal heart check I have asked the Lord to reveal to me. I have no desire to live in contradiction to a complete surrendered life.

My fleshly desires are more costly than what the Lord is asking for. My desires kill me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but worst of all they grieve the Holy Spirit, they hurt God. the price doesn't measure up, my own momentary ache or the Lord's. I know without Him I am not pure or good at my core, but He is. He will always be good. God deserves my best surrender, my sweetest worship, my highest praise, my most consideration, my deepest repentance, my strongest desire. My full commitment. To commit to something is to surrender. To commit to anything is to offer full surrender of your ways. To struggle with that is to struggle with pride.

I have no judgement towards you, I think if we all allowed ourselves to truly call what is happening in our lives by name, we learn to not attach shame to it, nor allow shame to take the place of the Lord's compassion and lovingkindness towards us.

So, friend. If you're wondering which side, you are on, I leave you with this question:

How good is your surrender? And not by my measure or by yours, but by God's?

Proverbs 8:13 ERV "To respect the Lord means to hate evil. I hate pride and boasting, evil lives and hurtful words."