Control Alt Delete

Letting go of the insatiable thing:

This piece has been hard for me to write. For a few weeks I found myself chewing on this word; "insatiable". Truthfully, I didn't really want to sit long enough with the Lord to allow my insatiable thing to have language. As I traced the genealogy of my insatiable thing, I became painfully aware of how controlling I can be. Especially when it came to my heart.

I came to realize it wasn't a habit or a mindset, it was a heart issue. My Insatiable thing was the fear of rejection which in its simplest form is a disconnection to my identity in Christ, especially my worth. From that root my need for constant control manifested. It's one thing to uproot some weeds but how do you uproot the entire belief system you operated from? especially when you believed it was the one thing that kept you safest.

Running from my truth allowed me to hide my shame in the arms of those who resembled the places I needed to leave most. I dressed myself up to hide the pain, but my eyes always told the story I pretended wasn't mine. My soul cried out, but my mouth remained shut. I was too prideful to let my screams be heard again because my real ones were never heard. I colored my mind with the most creative views to avoid the jarring emptiness I felt was my life. My eyes laid dormant, and my heart was long laid to rest.

My insatiable thing was what I once used to protect myself. It kept me safe in my eyes but there's the lie. I don't protect myself; God does. To be real, I just didn't want to trust God. Why?

I had undealt with bitterness towards the Lord because for seven years I was violated, and I never understood why. I never understood why no one saw or stepped in. I couldn't fathom why it went on for so long. But to be so transparent I'm tired of being bitter, I'm tired of old resentment, I'm tired of being tired. This thing has terrorized my life, my body still remembers the events and without warning one word, one gesture, on touch sends me back. This heart issue kept me closed off to any and everything. Preserving myself from something bad wasn't unjust but if something was good my mind would believe there was possibly a hidden agenda. My nervous system couldn't distinguish the difference so once triggered, I self-sabotaged.

This year I started to really believe that this did not have to be my life.  God is stronger than this and because his spirit lives in me so am I. My excuses soon fell and slowly day by day so did my need to self-sabotage out of fear. Healing like sanctification is a process and sometimes the road feels so disheartening and weary.  It's hard to go back and confront your past and even harder to stop finding validation from it. But what was hardest for me was seeing how I actually felt towards the Lord. It grieved me because truly he has been the safest place for me during this whole journey. His compassion in this season has sustained me. While I grieved old truths and learned to take account for how they have manifested in my life his mercies were truly new every morning.

How do you believe in God after being abused? You forgive yourself for as long as it takes until you accept that whatever happened to you wasn't your fault. Nor your choice. You believe that your body didn't betray you, it was simply afraid and in shock. You accept you couldn't do anything differently. You study God's character in the Bible. He is good, the devil is not, we now know who to put the blame on. We believe Him when he says he will never forsake us until it sticks because it will feel foreign to accept that truth at first, but you do it by faith not by feeling. We feel all the emotions while in prayer like Job did. We go to therapy. We ask him why and remain open to how he chooses to answer, be careful not to expect a specific answer or to box him in to a timeline or to even answering at all. I finally have real freedom from that mindset, that trigger, that heart posture, that resentment, that bitterness. God did it. My world has taken shape and today I can really say life is one of the greatest things the Lord has blessed me with. To wake up each day is a silent victory I rarely acknowledged up to this point. To laugh and genuinely feel real joy is electrifying. To sincerely share my heart is a privilege. I wish I could express in words how beautiful it is to be alive; truly alive. All I have are tears to communicate my gratitude and joy. All i have are a few words and high praises. I really wasn't supposed to be here and yet I was always meant to be here. God did it and I never tire of saying how good he is, and that Jesus saves because his death on calvary was personal. It's the only reason I had a second chance, it's the only reason I live a full life regardless of what my physical circumstances look like. He's the only reason I still have breathe in my lungs and a shout in my spirit. He redeemed me and set me free. My prayer is that you allow him to do the same for you, in whatever area of life you know has continuously hindered you. But most of all I pray that you allow yourself to know Jesus in a real and intimate way, a way that helps you finally find real peace in the storms of life and true comfort in the darkest valleys. Life in not void of true suffering but walking it out with the only one who overcame death itself is the most secure place to be.

So, if you got this far, thank you for hearing my heart. And if you want to start experiencing real love, and true freedom from bondage, call on the name of Jesus. He's waiting for you with open arms, a smile on his face and tenderness in his eyes because you are who he deemed as worthy enough to die for. Below is a poem I wrote late last year, now is when I am seeing the fruit of this journey. Be encouraged friend, you victory is just a surrender away.

"I became. And it wasn't easy. I Let go of past times. I let go of my ways and the things that kept me the same. Of my belief that I was unworthy. I let go of my shame that made me dirty.

I let go of my past because truly I can't be defined by it.

I became.

And the biggest thing that changed my life was to know that I am deeply, all consumingly loved by Jesus. It changed my walk; I don't limp the same. It changed my mind I don't think the same, it changed my heart, it won't fear the same. It changed..... me and I became me." - 11/19/2023

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4 NIV

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time dance. "